Where In The World Is The Mountain Doula?
Have you wondered where The Mountain Doula has been recently? I share this to be transparent and honest and hopefully a voice for someone who may be experiencing the same tragedy.
In the eye of the storm of miscarriage and infant loss, I can tell you that there is a period of time where numbness sets in, and emotions are off the chart extreme. You could have pushed me over with a feather in the days after finding out my babies heartbeat could not be found. I cried at the slightest thought of that loss of our child, and then after a week, the loss of my pregnancy symptoms set in, and that was a different type of grief. Not only would I not be holding my child, I would not be growing to the point of waddling. My urge to pee subsided and that oddly stung. Wrapping my mind around all of these emotions was once again like our other losses, done mostly in silence. We had told family and those in our work community, but the same people who once shared our joy did not share the sorrow, and that was so isolating. I had jobs to return to and task to do, but wasn’t this the loss of child? The world around me was not echoing my thoughts, that I needed time. They had moved on, and I had not; all it took was one thought, a baby being carried into the room, a pregnancy announcement, and I was right back into the pit of grief. This time however, my husband was also down in the hole with me. This pregnancy was different, we got the ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, told the whole family, started the name debate, and made plans. His sadness was a comfort, mine was his. It hurt, but having someone else hurt this bad with, was an odd solace. I can only point to the love and unity that grew out of these thorns as being the bright side of this misery.
So coming out of this loss, I have a need for time, healing, and a break from supporting families through pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. I can tell you my passion to be helpful has not gone, nor my desire to be a doula. But a healthy break is what I have prescribed myself. Any inquires I will gladly pass on to my doula colleagues, so that you and your family can have the best support possible. I look forward to the day when I am ready and chomping at the bit to get back to my passion.
I still believe that every child is a gift, and I pray that you will cherish all the good, bad, and hard moments in motherhood.